Boys… Well, You Know the Saying.

First off, I have told myself that I don’t want to be in a relationship because I just don’t feel right being in one after my year with Matt.
(This is written proof that I’ve felt this way)

I recently found out that a friend of mine likes me (again). He had before and I subtly gave him a chance but nothing ever came of it so it kind of disappeared (this was right before Matt). Well anyway, I’m stumped with this kid. He’s a really good friend of mine and I can’t exactly picture myself being in a real relationship with him. Yet…. as the days go on, we talk more and more and we hang out more frequently and I feel I’m becoming a little attached. Uh oh?  Part of me feels I’m only feeling the need to talk to him because that position has been emptied since Matt left but another part of me feels that it’s because we get along SO well.

AGH! I just don’t know what to think.
Often times when I can’t figure out whether I like somebody as a friend or more than that, is I do the “kiss test.” If I can picture myself kissing him, I may like him more than a friend. If I can’t, then nothing will come of the advancements. The only problem with this approach is it’s too late. Now, this I KNOW was because of being lonely and missing having a boyfriend. I didn’t exactly think before I kissed him but I did it. It was just once and I haven’t even gotten close to having it happen again. But because of that, it’s making my decision even MORE cloudy.

Another problem is, I’m pretty sure that what he’s looking for is different than what I’d probably be looking for (that is, if I DID want a relationship). I feel he’s just wanting to have a physical relationship with someone. Like, friends with benefits whereas I would want someone to fill Matt’s spot (trying NOT to compare it to Matt, but it was the only way to describe what I’m looking for).

I guess all I can really do is test drive him a little more before I see if he’s good or not? I don’t even know.
I may update… I may not. Either way, you’ll know the outcome eventually.

What Was Once Here, Is Gone.

So much has changed so fast. I don’t know what happened.
We were happy. At least, I thought so. Now look at us, we are so angry at each other, we’re saying things we’d never have dreamt of saying to one another.

Just…. if he reads this, I want him to know that I’m sorry. But I don’t want to tell it to his face. I want HIM to be the one for once to do something about the problem. I try all the time to fix things, to make him feel better, but I feel I never get anything in return. Even after HE broke up with ME, I comforted him because he felt bad.. WHY?! I can’t take care of myself  because every time I get my feelings and opinion out, it leads to me rubbing his bad making sure HE’s okay.

So let me correct myself, I’m not sorry to him; I’m sorry for the friendship we could have had. One after another, the things we’ve said have dragged us down so far as to saying we hate each other. I for one, am hurt. I don’t mean what I said, I just don’t know how else to feel. And now I feel I’ve led him to exactly what I once had nightmares about. I’ll always be here to forgive him, but only when he’s genuinely sorry. For now, I have to live without one of the best friends I’ve ever had… somehow.

There’s a BIG Difference Between What I Say and What I Mean.

“I’m happy you’re happy.”
Means: I can’t stand that you’re happy without me.

“I’m fine.”
Means: I want to scream in your face but I don’t want you mad at ME.

“Hi.”
Means: Please talk to me.

“Don’t do something stupid.”
Means: Don’t do something that will make ME do something stupid.

“I don’t know what I want.”
Means: I know EXACTLY what I want, but it contradicts what YOU want.

“Help.”
Means: I’m scared of my thoughts.

“Can I have a hug?”
Means: I want to pretend even just for one second, that we’re together again.

“I don’t feel good.”
Means: I’ve cried so much, I’ve made my head hurt.

“I want to go home.”
Means: I can’t stand seeing you anymore. I need to be alone.

“How are you?”
Means: I miss you.

“I’m bored.”
Means: Wow, I can’t believe how lonely I am.

“Can we talk?”
Means: I need to tell you that I love you.

Wonderfully Wet Week.

So the last 3 days were eventful.
Tuesday, we went on a little canoe trip and let’s just say, it wasn’t as relaxing as we’d hoped it would be. In the beginning, it was beautiful. There were cabins alongside the stream and pretty trees and animals. Once we came to our first stop, it’s like we were going through the 7 levels of Hell. There were broken trees EVERYWHERE and it was too shallow to boat on. It didn’t even feel like we were canoeing but more just dodging trees so we wouldn’t tip over. Oh, speaking of tipping… (funny story)… every single boat that Stacey’s dad was in tipped over. We kept switching around groups to figure out what the problem was. We thought maybe the boat was too heavy. Then we thought that it was even with the front and back. Then we finally just realized that dad was the cause of it all.
Oh, also on the canoeing trip, we saw this dog that we temporarily named Ralphie. It was SUCH a cute dog but he was so skinny. He looked like the starving dogs you see on those animal help commercials. We tried calling the SPCA to let them know about him, but they were no help. We fed him some food and that’s when we found out he knew tricks. He sat when we told him to, and knew how to shake hands. It was strange. We started thinking that he was abandoned (also because he had a nice cozy sleeping place next to the trash can). Right as we were leaving that spot, HIS OWNER CAME OUT! He was like “yeah, he likes to bum potato chips off of canoeurs.” We were so mad because it was CLEAR that the dog was starving.

Wednesday was very relaxing. We took Stacey’s cousins to the movies on the boardwalk to see Year One. It really wasn’t that great of a movie, but it was still something fun to do (plus I got to see a movie in a small theater). After the movie, we came home and played a VERY long game of Monopoly. Stacey ended up winning, but that’s only because she’s a dictator. In the evening, we ended up having a late dinner at Chatterbox where Stacey’s dad and uncle used to work. It was really cool there. I was just sad because just like all the other dinners and lunches I had when we’d eat out, I didn’t finish. I hardly even got halfway done. I really try to get small meals but it’s hard to tell how big they’re going to be when it just tells you ingredients. Anyway, Chatterbox was cool because Stacey’s dad chatted with the lady who manages it because they used to be co-workers. Oh, and the whole restaurant is PINK! How funny is that?!

On Thursday, we all went to the beach with Stacey’s cousins and aunt. The water was so nice and the waves were really fun. After a while, Stacey, Bri, and I got out of the water to go get some food on the boardwalk. When we came back, we decided to go back into the water (which was a VERY bad idea). The water was at high tide then and there was SO much seaweed on the floor that it felt like we were walking through a floor of hair. There was crap ALL over us when the waves would wash up, and it just smelled terrible. Once we got out, there was still crap all over and we had dirt IN our bathing suits. Like, we were FILTHY! Stacey and I ran back home to take showers and I had to rinse my hair 3 times just to get the gunk out of it.
Later in the evening, Stacey and I went back to the boardwalk to get henna tattoos. I got mine on my wrist and Stacey got hers on her ankle. It was strange the way they did it, though. They had stencil sticker things that they stuck onto where you wanted it, and once they were done, they pealed the stickers off. Then even STRANGER, she put cotton over the henna and taped it on. I just kept thinking “is this going to mess it up? This better be my money’s worth.” They told us to leave the cotton on until the morning but I took mine off early to check on it and it WAS smudged. I got so mad but I tried to fix it and then when it dried, I outlined the tattoo with red sharpie (because I’m a weirdo). I’m not going to go back and complain only because there’s nothing we can do about it now.

Today was SOOOOOOO much fun! We didn’t have any plans today so dad left Stacey and I up to decide on what to do. Stacey thought about the other day when we saw people going jet skiing so she suggested that. Dad was cool with it too! He called to make sure they were open and see how old you had to be to drive. After he hung up, he told us you need to be 16 and have a license. I got worried because I only have my permit but I decided that I’d bring my permit and if I couldn’t drive, I’d at least ride with Stacey. When we got there, I brought up the question of if I could drive or not and they said I just need written proof that I’m 16 and since I had my permit, I was able to drive!
Riding a jet ski was one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done. Going over the waves at 25 mph was fantastic! The only problem with it was I had SO much water splashing into my face. I kept having to wipe my eyes and whatnot so I could see. We got to ride for 30 minutes and it felt more like an hour. It was just such a great time. Once we got home, I looked in the mirror and my face was so burnt but I didn’t even care. I had salt stuck all over me, though (even behind my ears).
Later this evening, we may go on the roller coasters on the boardwalk or go mini golfing. Either way, today is and will be a wonderful one.

Tomorrow morning, we have to leave at 10 and hand back the key to the renting place and we’ll be heading for home.  Tomorrow evening, Stacey and I will probably end up having to work at pitstop for the 4th of July party thingy. I don’t even mind working RIGHT after I’m home from vacation; I’ll just be SO glad to be back home.
I miss my family so much. I’ve been texting them constantly and talking to them on facebook. I REALLY miss my niece. Like, it’s kind of funny how much I miss her. I would see Dora t-shirts on the boardwalk outside of stores and run in to check if there was one her size. Things kept reminding me of her and I kept telling stories about her over and over.

Home will be nice. I’ll just be sad that Matt is gone. He’s pretty much the only person I hang out with besides Stacey. Work will also be boring without him, but at least I’ll have Kara and Olivia once they get home from vacations.

Oh, speaking of work, Jessi (the manager) is temporarily retiring because of a car crash she was in and her inability to work. So because of that, once I get back from vacation, we’ll probably have some new manager. I met one guy that applied for the manager position. He was nice. He was also BIG (and I mean B-I-G, BIG). I hope if not him, that our manager is at least LIKE him. I wouldn’t mind a new person if he were like that.

Well, all-in-all, this vacation was a spectacular one and I’ll have much more to write during my next vacation (if not before then).

Goodbye, for now, friends.

Mew to You Too.

This week has been FANTASTIC!
I’m spending the week in Ocean City with Stacey’s family and I haven’t had a better vacation. Every day we have something to do and every day, I am proven to never be bored.

I used to say I really didn’t like the beach, but now it’s completely false. The water is great, I’m not afraid of being in a bikini in public, and the boardwalk stores aren’t actually THAT bad.

The first day, we come up to our beach house and find our rooms. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how freakin’ tiny Stacey’s and my room is! it’s got 2 sets of bunk beds and like, a foot between them. I mean, hey, the beds are fine, so that’s all that really matters, but I swear, this think is a closet.

The second day, Stacey, Mike, and I woke up early to run on the boardwalk. Mike did a great job with trying. We were surprised that he wasn’t going to give up.
After running, we came back and watched some movies and walked around to see what else there was. I saw the house that Matt stayed at a few days ago (it’s just a few houses down from ours!)
In the evening, we went to Stacey’s cousins’ house for a barbeque. It was cool. I remember her cousins from last year when they came to my house for a party, but I’ve never met her aunt and uncle. The whole family is cool. We played probably 3 or 4 hours of uno which never seemed to get boring.

The third day, Stacey went running. I felt too sick to go running so once I finally REALLY woke up, I did pushups and crunches to make up for not running (it wasn’t an equivalent, but at least I did something). After breakfast and watching the news, Stacey and I went down to the boardwalk to do a bit of shopping. Most of the stores were exactly the same until we got to Cloud 9. I love that store. We were first lured in by the “Life is Good” merchandise but then we just kept looking and looking. Right before we were about to walk out, I turned around and saw a staircase so we went up and that’s where we found the REALLY good stuff. We ended up buying bikinis and Power Rangers t-shirts.
In the late evening, Stacey and I walked to the beach and just hung out by the water. it was really relaxing and it wasn’t even cold! That made me happy.

Today, our plans are to go canoeing in a bit and then afterward, either go back to the boardwalk (Stacey and I want to get henna tattoos) or shop along Asbury to see what stores are here. Either way, it’s going to be some nice bonding time with us and mommy.
Hopefully again this evening, we can go back to the beach. I can’t even BELIEVE how nice it was and I want it to be an every night thing (like running in the mornings and eating breakfast on the patio).

I’ll update more as the week goes on. For now, I have to get ready for the canoeing.

Bye!

Overdue Update.

Oh LORD, it’s been a while!

I’ve been like, SO extremely busy lately with the end of the school year and trying to settle down with work. Finally, I feel like I can really relax.

The Pitstop is so great this summer. I really like everyone that works there (except for Mark and Sean, but that’s not new). I really like Nicole. She’s new with us. She’s not exactly my cup of tea, but she’s really nice to me and we seem to get along pretty well. Then there’s Jason. OMG, this dude is SO awesome! Like seriously, his first day, everyone absolutely adored him. I sort of feel like some people are jealous of how easily we’re warming up to him, but it happens. I’ve been really enjoying spending time with Kara. Last summer, we didn’t exactly get to work TOGETHER as much as we are this year, and it’s great getting to bond with her. I hope that the rest of the summer bring even MORE amazing moments with that crazy girl.

Now that school’s over, I have been feeling WAY less stressed. Finals brought A LOT of weight on my shoulders because I felt like I really couldn’t concentrate on studying. It was pretty much a mix of “AAHHHH I’M GOING TO FAIL!” and “wow… this is boring” so with those things going through my head, remembering things didn’t really fit between the cracks. I was DEVASTATED when I found out I got a 67% on my Math final. I LOVE Math! I had no clue how I could have done so bad until I realized there was one major section that I re-learned wrong. Sadly, it jeopardized my grade terribly (and I mean TERRIBLY).

Onto better news, I’ve been hassling my mom for a week or so on getting a new laptop (because Kiwipants is pretty destroyed) and she finally gave in…. after I said I’d pay for it all. lol
I LOVE the new laptop. I brought Matt with me to Best Buy to be my own little Geek Squad. He helped out SO much with making sure what I chose was the PERFECT laptop. Not only, but then he helped me set everything up on it and make sure it was running safely. HOW KIND?! I found out that I have sort of an “On Demand” thing on my laptop that I can watch tv shows on here. I watched the whole season of Paris Hilton’s New BFF and sadly, I wish there was more. haha

I’m just so excited. I’m going on a lot of vacations this summer (well, 2) and it’s going to be great because I get to spend them with STACEY! I love Stacey.

Well, I’m off to my beloved Tauri’s house. Tchuss!

Pretty in Pink.

–>> Prom is tonight. So many different feelings are rushing through me, that I really can’t tell how I feel about it. I’m excited, but nervous. I’m happy, but a tad guilty. And part of me wants to wait another week for it. I guess I just feel like I really don’t belong there. It’s JUNIOR and SENIOR prom. That doesn’t include me. I mean, I’m friends with people who will be there and there are other sophomores and freshmen going, but I never seem to fit into any scene, especially if it includes older kids. They’re so intimidating!

–>>Well, on a lighter note of prom, I tried out curling my hair last night for prom and I LOVE it! I didn’t want to have to re-curl it in the morning so I tried to sleep on my face all night. No, I didn’t suffocate myself, AND I managed to keep my hair nice! I’ll have to do a FEW touch ups here and there, but all-in-all, it still looks fantastically curly.
–>> My hair makes me feel like Little Bow Peep, though. I have my long bangs clipped to the side with a pale pink bow. Like, it basically is the icon of her, but I look cute anyway. And I’m so happy too. The one person whose opinion matters most LOVED it too! That makes me ecstatic because I did it on my own.

–>> One downer of the whole prom thing is my sister. When she first found out that I was going to prom too, she was so excited. We were going to spend quality time together. She was going to do my hair, we’d get our nails done together, and we would take pictures together. Well, she dumped that all down the drain because she’s a selfish jerk! First off, with our nails, we were going to get them done together the day before prom and two days ago, I found out that she got them done last weekend. Like, it’s not even like she didn’t get the time to do it, she just didn’t wait for me! And then she goes “well, I can take you if you REALLY want me to…” I DON’T WANT YOU TO NOW! And then I find out that she’s getting ready at her friend’s house… without me. So not only will she not give me a ride to prom, but we won’t get pictures together either. And the funny thing is, she doesn’t even REALIZE how much she’s hurt me! I WANT TO HATE HER SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! Like, if she acts like this, NO ONE is going to ever like her. But whatever.. that’s HER problem to deal with.

::sigh:: Today is a day of emotions….

–>> PS. I just got my nails done and it’s SO hard to type with fake nails!!

Beverage Day.

Yesterday was a sad day for Kelli.

–>> It started off on a bad foot where I REALLY didn’t want to get up (which is just a bit more reluctant than usual). For the rest of the morning, I seemed to keep with my morbid mood. Well, to finish a ‘terrific’ day at school, it comes to 11th mod and I went to the bathroom. Guess what else went?… My phone. I never thought I’d be clumsy enough to drop my phone in the toilet but I was wrong. I started freaking out and took it apart to try and dry it off.

–>>The strange thing was, at first I was laughing about it. I guess because the irony of the whole situation was insane. Just that morning, I was telling Ben that I’ll be eligible for a new phone this summer and that I was proud of how long I was able to keep this one.

–>>What I’m going to miss most about that phone are my ringtones. I know that’s sort of pathetic, but it took me forever to get all of those perfect ringtones. I’ll just have to scrounge them up from Owen, Matt, Stacey, and Kenny.

–>>Well, keeping on the topic of yesterday’s miserable mishaps (I love alliterations), I decided, “well, I want to get home as soon as possible so to avoid the bus delay, I’ll get a ride home with Jen. MORE IRONY! We didn’t get to leave until all the buses were gone and then just as soon as we pull onto Krieble Mill, a Mercedes Benz pulls out and almost hits us. The man gets out of the car and yells at Jen trying to say it was her fault because the road had one lane each rather than having a two laned road. Clearly though, he was wrong seeing as how there were three buses on the right side in front of us. The man was looney. So after the waiting and the crash, I didn’t get home til a half hour after I would have if I had just bucked up and gone on my bus. Just my luck, eh?

–>>So back to my phone topic… (I just keep jumping around like a Mexican jumping bean)… My replacement phone came in today. I now have a Motorola Razr V3re… and I hate it. I hate razrs so much, I was furious when I found out I can’t just get another one of my phone. Let alone now I have 3 pantech chargers for nothing. Maybe I’ll give them to Matt. He could leave one at work if his phone starts dying! I’m brilliant.

–>> Not only do I hate the phone, but I really don’t like the color of it. It’s really really dark blue. And I just ask “if you’re going to make it THAT dark, why can’t you just make it black?” But that’s beyond me. For my solution with my color-dislike problem, I’m getting a protective sticker-skin-thing which I got to choose the design. It’s black with a rainbow type smoke. I’ll just post it so you all can see how freakin’ cool it is. So I guess that made me a bit happier.

–>> I just hope I don’t break or damage this phone in any way (seeing as how I have no insurance on my phones now until next year).

**–>> PS. I’m going to get bluetooth for my laptop at some point so I can put music onto my phone. YAY BLUETOOTH!

All Grown’d Up.

–>> I don’t even know where to BEGIN describing how I feel. It’s so strange knowing that I’m now allowed to drive (of course, with a licensed adult in the passenger seat). Like, I walk into the DMV and out of the DMV just the same, but somewhere in the middle of it all, the state decided that I’m legally allowed to drive. WAAAHHH?! Like, I took a 16 question computer test and now I can sit behind the wheel of a car? HA!

–>> Plus on top of the talk about my permit, there’s talk of prom. What happened to me spending hours upon hours with friends debating on what was our favourite color of crayon (not ‘cran’)? Time really flies. It’s bad enough seeing FRIENDS in the driver’s seat of a car, but now I’M going to be there? Oh, no. Completely absurd. Not Kelli.
But technically, I can. How frightening?

–>> So today was Laura’s birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA! I still have to finish the birthday card I was making her this morning. It’ll look so pretty. It’s DEFINITELY going to top a new cell phone for sure.

–>> I just really can’t get over the fact that before I know it, I’ll be an adult. It doesn’t even make sense to me. I’m clearly not mature enough… nowhere near.

**–>> I chose a picture of a speedometer because not only does it pertain to driving, but I feel like it also can symbolize how fast TIME can fly.

Tell a Story Day.

–>> So we have off from school today (yay inservice!)
I’m surprisingly really excited. On Wednesday (Laura’s birthday), I’ll be going with Laura to test for our permits. It’s taken a long time to gut up for this but I’m actually excited now. I’m still not too keen on ACTUALLY driving, but at least then I can learn and try to feel comfortable with having a high potential of killing myself and others…

–>> Saturday was fantastic. I had slept over at Katie’s house with Laura, Caitlin, Banu, and Genna. We woke up at 4  in the morning so we could get Cassie, Josh, Ben, and Tim. Then we were off to the race.
There were supposedly around 1,500 runners this year (which is the biggest yet). Since we had so many people to help with the water station, half of us went to play some of Josh’s drums to get the runners pumped. They loved it. I was surprised though that I was able to play the same rhythm for like, an hour. I just kept telling myself “I’m NOT tired!” It worked.

–>> I’m so extremely happy that I’m doing well in school. I’m trying harder this marking period. It’s not like I didn’t try before, but for example in English. I REALLY want to be able to be in AP English when I’m in 12th grade but I can’t do that unless I’m in honors English in 11th. I talked to my teacher and she told me that my grades don’t make it by 7%. BUT, she told me that she really thinks I can turn my grades around this marking period because I’ve been ‘blazing through’ with everything. It’s the first time I’ve had a 90-something in English this year. Usually it’s just high B’s but to make it to honors, I’m gonna need at least a 95% this marking period and an A on my final. I think I can do it. I already handed in my lesson plan for my How-To speech (2 weeks early) so I really think I’m good.

–>> Today should be fun. I’m PLANNING on going to the mall with Stacey and Matt. Stacey needs to get her semi-formal dress and I need to get my prom dress. I don’t know what colors I want to wear… probably either green or black and white. But then again, EVERYONE wears black and white. I guess I’ll go with green (or whatever I find that’s better). I also wonder what Brian’s planning on wearing. And I hope that there’s enough dresses left at DEB that I won’t have to buy a dress that fits me strange because there’s “nothing else”. ho-hum.

–>> A lot of excitement has been happening lately and I guess they’re one thing that I love about spring. It’s when everything is winding down or just starting up. Plus I’m so glad the weather is nice. I don’t necessarily enjoy the excessive heat, but the flowers are blooming and the birds are chirping. I guess that’s all that really matters.

Have a nice day.